Alright people. What is going on? How did some corkscrew goldilocks from Pennsylvania who earned her diploma on a tour bus win the hearts of millions and millions of people singing bad country songs? Come on! We have more taste than that, don’t we?
For those of you who don’t already know this, I am not Taylor Swift’s biggest fan. And if that isn’t the understatement of my year, I don’t know what is. I was content to carry the burden of her bad lyrics, predictable chord progression, and whiny, fake twang quietly to myself- only mentioning the ridiculousness of her success to my innermost circle. But no more! With Taylor’s pathetic cover of Mumford and Son’s “White Blank Page” she has forced me into both a difficult and surprisingly enjoyable corner. So here it is.
How Taylor Swift isn’t, nor will ever be, in the same musical league as Mumford and Sons.
Now before you continue reading, take a painful five minutes out of your day (that unfortunately will not be returned to you) and watch Taylor’s cover.
So first things first. Don’t let the cleverly dyed hair fool you. Being a brunette does not automatically ricochet you out of the bubblegum pop realm and into the obscure folk singer region. Neither does sitting on a stool. We see through your clever disguise Taylor; even with the strange hint of a British accent you don on certain syllables. Although, I'm pretty sure it was completely unintentional. I’ll bet that listening to the original version over and over again trying to get it perfect might have rubbed off a bit. Let’s not worry about making this a unique rendition, No. Let’s simply make this less good, while still trying to be just as good. Or it could be that spending too much time in the BBC radio studio rubbed off; the same way Nashville did on her Pennsylvanian roots, and she abandoned her identity for something that seemed more profound.
But wait, there’s more. Anticipating the brown hair and seated position might not be enough, Taylor enlisted the help of a few friends. And by a few friends I mean a professional guitarist, pianist, fiddle player, banjo player, and vocalist.
I have a joke: How many professional musicians does it take to make Taylor Swift sound good?
...at least five.
She has more people on this cover than Mumford has in their entire band! And she’s a solo artist! (However, after seeing her latest video for "Mean", I am glad she hired someone who actually knows how to play the banjo) And now with her clever costume and talented entourage Taylor is ready to make music magic right?
Think again.
I don’t know if Taylor was a chain smoker before she hit the big time (at 14!) or if she has a genetic flaw that inhibits lung support, but the girl can’t hold a phrase to save her life. Breathing in between phrases, words, and even in the middle of words (ex: "you belong to me-ee-breathe-ee") might very well be her trademark, but it is damn obnoxious. How are you supposed to find the emotional arc in a lyric if you can’t even sing it all the way through? The bottom drops right out of the song so Taylor can suck in more precious oxygen and get ready to sing...another two words.
Believe it or not, I have a very eclectic taste in music. Some of my favorite vocalists are those who are flawed. I love listening to music that is not perfect, but real. When a musician has true emotion behind his or her words, their voice can crack, the pitch can falter, I don’t mind those moments, as long as they are honest. But when a musician has more eyeliner on top of their eyes than meaning behind them, you better stay on pitch!
Taylor’s inability to stop going flat is probably the craziest thing about her success. Now, in her cute little high school videos and oh-so-perfect album recordings, she is as pitch perfect as a pitch fork. But if you ever have the displeasure of hearing a live performance, be ready for her voice to be as flat as a pancake. No wonder the professional vocalist singing backup has giant headphones on. She has the unfortunate (and practically impossible) task of harmonizing with Taylor while not highlighting the already obvious fact that they are not even in the same time zone as the correct pitch.
Earlier I briefly mentioned honesty and depth as being essential to becoming a respected musical artist. Now I’m not saying that you’re not allowed to sing something you didn’t write. Some of the most powerful songs out there are versions from an original. I’m saying that you have to at least connect with the lyrics, in a way that goes beyond making googly eyes with the camera. When she sings about “swelling rage” it has about as much oomph as a half-ass shoulder punch. When Marcus Mumford sings the lyric you believe that he has to say it twice, you want him to repeat it, to get it out! Its painfully obvious Taylor repeats it because…that’s how the song goes.
Much like the Shakespearean “O” the “Ahhh” chorus is meant to be a flood of emotion that builds to the brink of collapse, signifying the heartache and intensity in the song’s message. But hand that same music to our multi-platinum gold mine here and the chorus into nothing more than a scrawny girl missing the mark.
So there it is. Years of pent up aggression against one of the biggest stars in music shoved into one blog. And I didn’t even mention the “scarlet letter” debacle.
If you’re like me, then you need some Swift detoxification from all this nonsense. I suggest you cleanse your pallet with Mumford and Sons doing what they do right, as opposed to Taylor Swift doing what they do right wrong. Watch their beautifully natural emotionally charged acoustic version of “White Blank Page” below, recorded in their simple Bookshop Recordings series. Enjoy.
